Category Archives: Me

Getting Out of Fights

Posted on by
Reply

I have never fought anyone. That’s right, other than my brother when we were kids, I have never been on the receiving end of any punches, kicks, or tackles, nor have ever given them. So why is that? If you have read anything on this blog you should know by now that I am not a nice guy. I am an asshole. I make people angry. I’m an instigator. I’m the type of person who pisses people off enough to get them to want to fight you. Now don’t get me wrong, that has happened on a number of occasions, but it never escalated into fights involving me. Nope not me… just other people.

I have come up with a series of defenses. Now I don’t want you to think I’m running away. These are just natural defenses that come out when shits going down; I can’t control em. I really would love to get into a fight and dole out some of my divine justice, It just ain’t happening. These defenses are seriously full proof. Here are two good ones.

The Pee Defense: This one’s pretty easy. When someone is pissing you off, say an inflammatory comment loud enough for the person to hear. Right after you say it, head to the bathroom and take a piss. Example: When I was in college, a drunken brigand friend of our roommate came over to our house. We had just finished up a party and we all wanted to get some sleep. But this extremely drunk tall muscular soccer player wouldn’t stop playing beer pong, and was being loud and annoying. So I made some comment rather loudly to my friends to the effect of “This cockass douchebag needs to get the fuck out of here right now”. I was also pretty drunk and had been holding back a whole bunch of pee. So I said what I had to say, and headed to the bathroom immediately. I was pulling down my pants in the stall when I heard the yelling outside. I stopped my flow, pulled up my pants without zipping, and ran outside to see what was going on. My large football player friend and that drunken brigand were at each others throats. My large football player swiftly dodged some punches and pushed him out of our house. Me? I was on the side jumping up and down cursing at him, but not fighting. After he was out of the house I stood by the window and gave him the finger for a while. After thing died down, I asked my roommate what had happened and he told me that the annoying guy had mistakenly thought that my friend had said my comment and got attacked. It’s not that I didn’t want to stand behind my words, I just really go to pee and missed my chance.

The Smiling defense: I’m not an angry asshole. You’ll never see me lash out at someone in anger. I have fun with it. People don’t usually stand around and watch if you’re in an establishment fighting. So if you run over and look at two people arguing and and see one happy guy and one angry guy, you know who started the aggression, right? Anyway here’s another story. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. We had observed some older weird guys in tuxedo’s wandering around the bar trying to pick up girls. They were failing miserably. Later that night after they had given up, one was sitting at the bar, so while I was ordering my next drink, I started a conversation with him. I started it with something like, “Not having much luck with the ladies tonight, are ya”? We talked a bit, he told me he was I doctor, I told him he looked pretty pathetic in that tuxedo; needless to say, it devolved from there. It got to the point where he threatened me with a blade he “had”, and I threatened him with a gun I “had”. The bartender overheard the rising tensions and he called over the bouncer. And since I had an innocent gleeful smile on my face during the whole time, and he looked like a maniac, the bouncer very physically kicked him out of the bar. I was safe, and I got out of another fight.

So if you’re ever want to be a real dick to someone but are afraid they’ll kick your ass for it, just utilize those two strategies and you’re golden! Good luck to you all!

-Maxim

I Get Sexually Abused at Work

Posted on by
8

I can’t keep it to myself anymore. It’s been going on for about 2 years now, almost on a daily basis. Being shown things; being touched inappropriately. I tell them to stop, that it isn’t right, but they don’t listen. In an environment such as the elementary school, you may think that getting sexually abused by children is just a joke, but it’s a very serious problem for many adults. Parents and teachers are afraid to speak out everywhere. The society we live in forgives these children, and tells them that what they do is ok since they are just kids and can’t help it. But not anymore. We must put an end to abuse by children.

Here’s some examples just from today:

We were around the pool. I didn’t bring my bathing suit, so I was crouching down by the side of the pool watching the children. Some of the kids didn’t have their bathing suits either, so they had to sit around and wait as well. The pants I was wearing were pretty tight, so while I was crouching down, my underwear was showing a little bit. The kids were sitting right behind me, giggling. One snuck up behind me, and pulled my pants down a little. I told him to stop and he ran back to the group. I pulled down my shirt and pulled up my pants. After a minute one ran behind me and lifted my shirt to see my underwear again. They kept doing this for another 20 minutes. It was humiliating. Some people would say that dressing like brings on this kind of behavior. Just goes to show what kind of messed up society we live in, blaming the victim of abuse when we really should be blaming the abuser.

It’s not the victim’s fault. Try and understand.

A little later, another kid called out my name and told me to look over at him. To my horror his penis was sticking out. I quickly looked away. He was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked away crying.

Again, just one day. I’ve experienced much more. From being asked directly what my penis looks like, to full on grabs of my junk (their short stature allows easy access), to fingers being stuck up my ass (again, easy access). No person should have to work in those kinds conditions. That’s why I am coming out publicly and asking other men and woman who get sexually abused by children, wherever they may be, to speak out. Let’s tell these children that it is not okay to abuse us. We have the power. We are not alone.

-Maxim

I’m Sorry I Disappoint You

Posted on by
4

I could tell as soon as I arrived that they were afraid. There I was, a Jew from Brooklyn. In Japan, I may as well of been Michael Jordan. Everyone stared at me with eager anticipation as I warmed up. A lot of people came up to ask me where I was from. I told them I was from New York City. Yes, the world Mecca of basketball New York fucking City bitch, what? Oh yeah, I was the fucking man. I finished my stretches, laced up my shoes, took a basketball, and walked out on the court. I hadn’t been on a court for a long time. It felt good. I walked towards the basket. I stop, set my feet, adjust my grip, and take my first shot. A collective gasp fills the room. An air ball. The basket is higher than I remember. I shoot again. I shoot too hard and it bounces off the top of the backboard and back into my hands. I then sloppily go in for a layup. I let go of the ball and it flows through the air, right over the basket. A guy realizes the truth and comes over to give me some pointers. Yes, I suck at basketball.

This is a sad story. Probably not for you, the reader, but for me, as a person. In Japan, as a foreign American guy, there are many preconceptions about you. For example, I’m supposed to speak none of the native tongue, only eat hamburgers, be fat, not be able to use chopsticks, love coffee to death, and mostly just be loud and obnoxious. These are things that a lot of Japanese not only think about of Americans, but most white non-Japanese in general. I have learned to accept these things, and politely (and sometimes not so politely) inform the person gawking at my use of chopsticks, that I have used them since I was twelve, and I learned how to in Brooklyn, NY from countless nights of Chinese takeout. But recently, there has been one thing thought of me that really hit me in the heart, because I wish it to be true. It also blew out in the open one of my misperceptions of Japanese people. It’s basketball. They think all Americans (even the white ones) are really good at basketball. And I thought (key word THOUGHT), that Japanese people were pretty lame at it (since they are all short or something).

Yeah, I was wrong. Most everyone I have played with so far is amazing. I am totally jealous. And most of them are just as tall, or taller than me. Most of the time. I end up massively disappointing every single person I play with. But there’s something deep inside the people I play with, even after seeing how terrible I am, that think I should have some sort of genetic disposition for playing. So despite them knowing fully well that I am atrocious, they play extra hard against me. The most talented, and scariest players defend me, and my fat ass has to run all over to defend them. They’ll be like, “MAXIM, YOU’RE MINE!” right before we start. All I can do is sigh and get my ass kicked.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shake this notion that I should be good at basketball. It’s a sad reality. All I can do is show them quick that I suck, sit down, and take the beating that my white ass deserves.

-Maxim

My Path to Cultdom

Posted on by
11

A couple of posts ago I talked about some of the crazy Buddhist cults we have all around the world. And yes, I announced that I had in fact been a part of one. Today, I’ll try and tell my story and a little bit about the group. All these events happened about a year ago.

Fujitaisekiji Kenshokai, members in the millions

It was late spring of 2010. My second year on the job teaching. My main concern at the time? Women. Oh, yes, I was obsessed. I could not find a loving companion to rock the casaba with. My life was not complete. Of course I had women I was interested in, the problem was they weren’t interested in me. To this day I still don’t know why, cause I’m totally awesome. Anyway, a few months prior, the school got a new cute female teacher! She was nice, energetic, and young! Oh yes, I had the eyes for this voluptuous pussycat. But, being that were in a work environment, I couldn’t really do anything about it. But one day out of the blue she actually asked me out! It was completely random! Needless to say, I was ecstatic. My first break in months. Ever since this job had started, I had seriously the worst luck with women ever, and now I was finally getting asked out by a girl. Not only a regular girl, but a girl who wasn’t afraid to take the initiative. Frickin sexy, and super rare in Japan.

They day of the big date came! She decides to come by car and picks me up. We go to a cafe in a place only accessible by car (this will come into play later). So we start a talkin’! We were talking for about five minutes before I realized that we didn’t really have anything in common, and being with her was a drag. Still wanted to get into bed with her though so I was riding it out like a trooper. That’s when she dropped the first bombshell. She had a boyfriend. Now, okay, I shouldn’t have been too upset. But really, my heart was aching. And not the kind of aching you get when you’re heartbroken. This aching was full of “What the fuck!?” and “Why am I here!?”. This is also where she makes her second and most sneaky move. She tells me that actually, she invited me out for a reason. A reason? She takes out a book and asks me what I feel about buddhism. Crap! By this point I’m already far into her trap. She then spends the next hour taking to me about buddhism, this guy named Nichiren (a Japanese buddhist prophet), and this special group that she’s part of. Here were the main selling points:

-All young people!
-You look damn good when you die!
-You will get everything you want in life!
-No bad things will ever happen to you!
-Doomsday philosophy!

The literature she showed me. It's entitled "A Japan that goes against the great sage Nichiren is doomed".

I’m quite stunned at this point. Was this actually happening to me? I couldn’t do much other than nod. All I could do was wait for the inevitable question. And when that question came all I could do was nod my head and say “Ok, I’ll try it”. Now you’re probably asking yourself why I even said yes. It’s a hard question to answer. Well not really. One, I have a hard time saying no to anything, and two, I had just realized why she had brought me to this cafe only accessible by car… crap.

Have you ever imagined what it’s like in a cult center? I feel like I had some idea from watching TV and movies my entire life, but when I was actually brought to one , I realized that it was worse than I could possible imagine. When I walked into the place it was a sensory overload. First thing I noticed was the smell. It smelled like a dank hospital. Like your dying grandma in a hospice. Not pleasant. Second, the sounds. The muffled sounds of someone yelling from a TV, applause, and crying babies. Yeah, crying babies. And third, the sights. It was a very small, darkly lit room, with people sitting around in fetal position. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable.

My hot recruiter shuffles me into another room (the previous room was more like a hallway). I was surprised to see about 60 people stuffed into a space the size of a bedroom, watching a recording of speeches made at what seemed to be a large gathering of the cult. The room was packed, but I managed to find a little bit of space to sit down. I felt like I was being watched at all times, I literally kept looking behind me just in case someone was getting ready to stab me. What can I say, it was my first time at a cult center! One strange thing I noticed was the way they clapped at the television. We were definitely watching a DVD, yet everyone in the room felt the need to clap at the end of everyones speeches like they were actually there. Yes, I clapped along as well to avoid getting stabbed. Finally, when Mr. Supreme Leader Asai Sensei got up to speak, everyone sat up and looked very attentive. He spoke about how Japan was going to be invaded by China, and how a big earthquake was coming. After all that, everyone in Japan would finally realize that this cult was the way to go. Pretty standard if you ask me. The end of the speech brought thunderous applause (still a recording, by the way).

After the speeches were done, they turned on the lights, and people started trickling out. It was now time for my initiation ceremony. After a small fee of about 6 bucks, I was given my prayer beads and prayer book. We chanted for about 20 minutes and that was it! I was officially a cultist! The woman who preformed the ceremony asked me after why I had decided to join them, I couldn’t say a thing. It was also explained to me that every time you chant (you’re supposed to twice a day), you must face towards Mt. Fuji. Islam needs to file for some copyright infringement on this shit. It was a long day, and my recruiter finally let me go home and reflect on what I had just done.

After a great deal of soul searching, I told my recruiter I was through after about a week. It took about a month to actually get her to stop trying to convince me otherwise. She even called in backup in the form of another cultist from a city about 500 miles away to try and stop me from quitting. Thinking about it, I’m lucky I got out at all.

Moral of the story, beware of hot chicks who ask you out out of the blue, they’re actually cult recruiters.

-Maxim

Coming Out of the Closet (Kinda)

Posted on by
7

Okay, so I’m an asshole. I can’t get away from it. I love to make fun of people and I love make them feel horrible about themselves. It’s like a social African safari with me. You have the weak little zebras and gazelles, and you got the fucking lions. Not to boast, but I’m definitely a fucking lion. Now, it’s not always, black and white, lion and gazelle. Most of the times there are levels in between, like hyenas, or vultures, or elephants. The difference is, lions actively seek out and kill the gazelles. Those other freeloaders start picking at the corpse once you’re done. No, you don’t have to be a terribly strong person to be a lion, you just got to act like one. So if some poor person gives me the opportunity to make an ass out of them, eight times out of ten I’ll probably take it. It’s a bad habit, but I can’t help it.

So back on topic. There was this gazelle, no, not even a gazelle. Gazelles at least run away. This guy was a sheep or something. He was a self proclaimed introvert that introduced himself to me one day at a bar. And so the story begins…

Most times when you make fun of someone, they do one of two things. Take it like a man and make fun of themselves with you, or leave/not want to hang out with you anymore/hate you. But there are also people who just don’t get it. They just don’t understand that that they are the butt of all the jokes. That we’re not laughing with them, we’re laughing at them. Yes, he was that guy. But you know, once I got started thinking about this guy I realized, without this guy, the nights were not nearly as fun. So I would call him to go out with the specific reason just to make fun of him. Yes, I am that much of an asshole. My friends were already over it, but I just couldn’t get enough.

We didn’t just make fun of him directly. We would lie to him. We would create personalities. We would perform elaborate plays. I was the jew-hating racist, and my friend was my partner in hate-crime. This guy would passively listen to most of our personalities, simply dismissing our rouse as “not intelelectual enough for (his) participation”, sometimes throwing in the “Are you guys being serious?”. However, when it came to me and my friend talking about our violent love affair, or our escapades in bed, he got all in a huff. He loved women, and only women,e he proclaimed. He did not want to hear of our “disgusting and unnatural” talk of homosexual love. Yes, he was one of the most homophobic people I had ever met. Naturally, since this bothered him the most, we pushed it the most.

Sadly to say he moved away after about six months. Yes, it was sad but we got over it pretty quickly. Here’s where the story gets interesting.

Zoom ahead six months to now. I’ve had absolutly no contact with this kid since he left. Then out of the blue I get a call from him. I didn’t pick up. I was done with this guy. He called again 10 minutes later. Hmm, no. Not picking up that one either. He called again. Didn’t pick up, BUT, it got my mind wondering. “WTF?”, I thought. “Is this kid ok? Am I his one phone call from the police station? Is he out for vengence? Is he standing in front of my apartment with an axe?” I couldn’t possibly imagine what this kid would want from me after 6 months. I mean, he wasn’t exaclty the most social guy ever, but I’m sure he had found someone in that big city he moved to to annoy. My curiosity got the better of me, and I called him back. I’ll try to cronical the conversation the best I can.

Me: Hey, how are you?
Him: Hey, I’m good. How’s life over there?
Me: Same as it’s always been I guess.
Him: You know I’m over here in the city now.
Me: Yeah, I know, I know.
(small talk)
Him: Okay, let me jut get to the point
Me: Okay…
Him: Remember 4 or 5 months ago you invited me out to drink at…what was that bar again? Saylaaa….seeelaa….
Me: Swla. (Pronounced soola)
Him: Yeah, Swla. Remember that?
Me: 4 or 5 months ago?
Him: Yeah, you made a comment to me to the effect that you wanted me to go with you on the last train back to your neighborhood to stay over…
Me: Wait…what? Can you say that again?
(at this point i’m thinking he needs a place to stay)
Him: You know, you invited me out, and you wanted me to come with you on the last train to your apartment.
Me: Okay, sure…
Him: Ok, I’ll just say it. Were you coming on to me?
Me: Um…..what do you mean?
Him: I mean were you actually coming on to me?

At this point it all comes back. After months of not speaking to this guy, I had forgotten the extent in which I had preformed my act in front of him. I didn’t remember the specific episode he was talking about, but I had certainly alluded to him many times that I wanted to…do him… Not really, just to bother him… you know…since he was so…homophobic… At this point I had to decide on whether to continue the act, or to just tell him straight up we were making fun of him the whole time. I chose the middle path, like Bhutan.

Me: Yeah, man. I don’t know. It was a long time ago.
Him: Yeah it was.
Me: So, man. I dunno, it’s been a really long time. Have you been thinking about this for a while?
Him: Not that much.
Me: I just mean, you call me out of the blue when I haven’t seen or spoken to you for 6 months. It must of been on your mind a lot.
Him: I’m just curious. I’m a curious person.
(he changes the subject)
Him: So how’s your girlfriend? Things going good?

Couldn’t get a straight answer out of him, but by now it was pretty obvious. It’s always the most homophobic people. We talked a little bit more. Sensing I really couldn’t contain myself anymore, I decide to end the conversation.

Me: Yeah, I should go. I’m kinda busy right now. I’m working on my blog.
Him: Seems like everyone has blogs these days.
Me: Yeah, but it’s a comedy blog, it’s not really about me so much (Except now). Thinking maybe I want to get into comedy.
Him: If you can make me laugh right now you can be a comedian.
Me: No, not like stand up, more like well thought out, written material.
Him: Make me laugh right now and you can be a comedian.
Me: I…can’t….
Him: I just crushed your dreams.
Me: I really got to go…
Him: Ok. If you ever need a random friend to talk to, or a place to vent, give me a call.
Me: Thanks…you too man.
Him: You shouldn’t of said that! Haha!
Me: ha..ha.. Bye.
Him: Bye.

And that was it. I can’t believe he was brooding over this for months. It’s kind of sad really. That I was the guy he half came out to. Makes me think that I should try and fix my assholeish ways to aovid things like this in the future. Nah. It’s sad but its still hilarious.

Till next time.

-Maxim

The Beginning

Posted on by
6

This is it. The beginning. My blog. Let me just inform you that I have started this on a complete whim with no idea of where this will be going. Will I even continue writing through the week? As with most people, that’s probably based on how popular and awesome it becomes…which I must say is very, very likely.

The question: Can I even do this?

The answer: Probably not, but my heart says YES!

Let’s break this down.

Reasons why I can:

  • Extreme short term confidence: I usually start things with this amazing confidence that I will be able to succeed and excel above all others. This includes when I get into drunk fights against opponents much larger than me.
  • An inordinate amount of free time: This is a doozy. The down time I have at my job allows my mind to wander to the abyss of my imagination. This is where I get many of my ideas, including the one where I decided I want to be some sort of rock star.
  • Interesting interests: This may be a piggyback off the confidence thing, but I think what I like is interesting and other people should like it… or learn to! Not to come off as a self-centered jerk or anything but… yeah… I REALLY DO THINK THAT!
Chicken confidence

I'm the one on the right.

Reasons why I can’t:

  • I can’t write: You may have noticed by now, but I can’t write for shit. Excuse the language. If I could write, I would be able to replace shit with some other magical, less offensive, word to express my feelings. I’m more of a verbal wordsmith. I run my mouth off and piss people off. I can’t do that in writing! For most people this would be a deal breaker… you can’t write then don’t. Keep to facebook. But not I.
  • I give things up quickly: Remember when I said I have lots of confidence in the short term? Well, that runs out awfully fast. An example: Yesterday I wrote a song. I thought this song would make me an immediate rock star. I got home and realized I couldn’t even play my own song on the guitar… and my voice doesn’t sound like Jack Black (that’s the way I sung it in my head).
  • I’ve got no friends: Pretty self explanatory.
  • It won’t become awesome.
  • It’s slightly embarrassing.
  • Boobs.

Woah, got super negative at the end there! What happened to all that confidence?! Anyway, logic states, based on my proven method of reasoning, that I shouldn’t do this. But I’m gonna.

Stay classy and keep reading, blogsphere. To end, one of the ultimate confidence songs of all time… from the Karate Kid with Mr. Miyagi… “You’re the Best Around” by Joe Esposito.

-Maxim