The “F” Word and Mad Libs

Anyone who knows me knows I say this word a lot. Maybe a little bit too much. I’ve even had the occasional “stop cussing so much you dumb shit” thrown at me. So what? It’s not my fault. It’s society! I was an innocent boy. I didn’t know anything of this horrid word! I still remember the day I was made to scream the word at the top of my lungs in front of my house, not knowing the poison that had entered me. After that it was all over. The word took over my life.

Now add this glorious word to Mad Libs. If anyone doesn’t remember Mad Libs, it was a game where you would fill in a bunch of random nouns, verbs, adjectives and so on. When you were done, you would then read a short passage, putting in your chosen words in blank spaces for a hilarious outcome. While I was younger we had a bunch of these books lying around, so, armed with my new word, and not knowing what any of the parts of speech meant, would put fuck, and other funny words, into madlibs.

Here is me trying to emulate my mad libs when ten. Libbed words in bold.

Good Stuff

Are you bothered by fuck fuck? Do you feel penishead every day? Does your poop hurt? Then fuckadilly is for you! This turd, fucker treat is chock-full of cock.

Here is what Douche Slaboosh of Dumbass, Montana had to say about fuckadilly. “I start every day with fuckadilly. It’s simply bastard! Even my fucking loves it.”

Don’t delay! Buy fuckadilly today!

Now that was pretty awesome. Though I do have to admit, I have gotten slightly better and mad libs now that I know what a verb is. Here is adult Maxim doing mad libs.

New Year’s Resolutions

It was New Year’s Day, and I was watching penisball on TV with my friends Shirly Fucku, Amanda Huggenkiss, Bob Fart, and Chad Douche.

“Hey, Amanda Huggenkiss,” Bob Fart said, “What is your New Year’s resolution?”

“I am going to learn to play the ass flute,” she said. “Then I am going to play it at nursing homes. I am sure it will make the residents douchy.”

“That’s slutty,” said Shirly Fucku. “I am going to volunteer in a shelter for homeless spectral bats and pistol shrimps. They are so cute. How about you, Bob Fart?”

“I am going to help out around the house,” he said. “Every night, I will put the dildos and the semen in the dishwasher without being asked.”

“I want to improve my grades,” said Chad Douche. “I will study math, science, and fucking every night.”

They all turned to me.

“What is your New Year’s Resolution, Maxim?”

“I’m not making one,” I said. “I’m perfectly black already!”

What do you think? Have I improved? Try doing some yourself. I can assure you, it’s just as funny doing it now as it was back then.

-Maxim

How I Discovered Porn

I think every living, breathing person on this earth has watched porn at one time or another. Do you remember the exact moment it happened? Did you catch your parents watching it? Did your brother show it to you? Did someone at school tell you about it? Did you have HBO as a kid? I bet you can’t even remember exactly how you learned about this fundamental human right. Well, it just so happens I remember exactly how I did. And I got to say, it changed my life forever.

I was a young, strapping, innocent boy of around 9 or 10. If you’ve kept up on the blog at all, definitely around my exploratory girl toy phase. This was the time when the internet really starting booming, and my house was connected, oh yeah. We had a brand new Mac Power PC 6500 with 300 MHz of pure silicone heaven, connected to a blazingly fast 56k dial-up modem. We could be hooked up to the internet in all of 1.5 minutes. It was amazing.

A lot of times when my older brother would have friends over, I would shadow them. I was pretty cool myself, and had hundreds of my own friends, but there was something really special about hanging out with 14 year-olds. It was so awesome. So one day, my brother had a friend over named Aaron. My brother thought it would be a good idea to go on our new computer and surf the web for a little. They went on to the best search engine at the time, excite, and were trying to figure out what they were going to look up. With a malicious look on his face, Aaron jumped into the drivers seat and typed in four letters. The most important and influential four letter of my life. P-O-R-N, porn. Me not having heard of this word before thought nothing of it, but my brother, with superhuman speed and agility, jumped over his friend, and deleted the search. This was the impetus that would change everything.

As a curious and tech savvy 10 year old would, I committed the word to memory, and waited for a time where I had the computer to myself to see what this forbidden word was. When the time finally arrived, I went back to excite, typed in the word, and hit search. What awaited me was beyond anything in my wildest dreams.

A world of naked women lay before me. All I had to do was click, and I had access to blonds, brunettes, asians, whatever! Pictures of all the most beautiful women I had ever seen, with breasts! I had discovered the greatest thing in my life. Better than toys, better than friends, definitely better than school. I had been so entranced by porn that I had become immediately addicted. I wanted to watch it at all times. I started pretending I was sick so I could stay at home at watch it. I remember looking at a list of my absences and I had missed over 20 days for the school year. There are only about 20 weekdays in month, so I missed about a month of school that year to look at pictures of naked women. That has to be a record for a 10 year old.

Since my mom has an avid reader of my blog now (fuck), and I had never told her this story (or anyone for that matter), I had to come clean to her her before publishing; just to make sure she wouldn’t still be angry over something I did almost 15 years ago. She was surprised, but also told me “It’s totally normal for an elementary school boy to do that kind of SHIT”. Love you, Mom.

If you want to talk to your kids about porn, like my parents failed to do with me, go to this website… it will help. Hahahahaaahhahahahaahhaahhahah!

The Porn Talk

How People Found Me: Top 10

In honor of my twentieth blog post, I’d like to try something a little bit different. Some of you may not know that because we live in a creepy big brother like future, I’m able to track pretty much everything about the people who come here: IP’s (where you’re from), links clicked, who shared my articles, page views, etc. However, the most interesting stat I get is the search engine terms used to reach my blog. Like if you were to to to google and type in “Maxim’s Madness is so AWESOME” into google, and the search results brought you here, that would show up. Since my blog isn’t exactly about normal things, people who get here by through a search engine enter some pretty strange things find their way here. I’ve been compiling a list of the most awesome. I have come up with the best ten. Remember, people actually searched for these things. Enjoy.

“i’m coming after you bro”

I guess this kinda makes sense, since I did advocate for “bros” to “go after” some lulz people. Still funny to me that some angry person would actually search for this.

“arnold fuck you asshole gif”

The thing that this guy was searching for is far better than anything this blog has ever released. Damn right, Arnold!

“i´m sad so i´m gonna cut myself”

This person was depressed. He came here, and I saved his life through joy.

“desperate pee women”

I feel like this person was destined to come to my site. I hope he found what he was looking for. Also, I hope he found this.

“japanese ass”

Yes, we are a porn site. You haven’t found the hidden links yet?? Get going!

“i love an asshole”

Oh, do I love me some asshole.

“god gonna cut ya down”

Goddamn… this guy seriously needs some more lovin’.

“russian mafia dick”

Russian is the best kind. Another secret area of the site. More than enough Russian mafia dicks to go around.

“camille cacnio chinese thief”

I thought she was Thai. Oh well.

“if jesus comes back hang him again”

Who thinks of this crap!? How did he get here!? What the hell!?

And that’s the list. Thanks for twenty great posts! Here’s to twenty more (not likely).

-Maxim

I Get Sexually Abused at Work

I can’t keep it to myself anymore. It’s been going on for about 2 years now, almost on a daily basis. Being shown things; being touched inappropriately. I tell them to stop, that it isn’t right, but they don’t listen. In an environment such as the elementary school, you may think that getting sexually abused by children is just a joke, but it’s a very serious problem for many adults. Parents and teachers are afraid to speak out everywhere. The society we live in forgives these children, and tells them that what they do is ok since they are just kids and can’t help it. But not anymore. We must put an end to abuse by children.

Here’s some examples just from today:

We were around the pool. I didn’t bring my bathing suit, so I was crouching down by the side of the pool watching the children. Some of the kids didn’t have their bathing suits either, so they had to sit around and wait as well. The pants I was wearing were pretty tight, so while I was crouching down, my underwear was showing a little bit. The kids were sitting right behind me, giggling. One snuck up behind me, and pulled my pants down a little. I told him to stop and he ran back to the group. I pulled down my shirt and pulled up my pants. After a minute one ran behind me and lifted my shirt to see my underwear again. They kept doing this for another 20 minutes. It was humiliating. Some people would say that dressing like brings on this kind of behavior. Just goes to show what kind of messed up society we live in, blaming the victim of abuse when we really should be blaming the abuser.

It’s not the victim’s fault. Try and understand.

A little later, another kid called out my name and told me to look over at him. To my horror his penis was sticking out. I quickly looked away. He was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked away crying.

Again, just one day. I’ve experienced much more. From being asked directly what my penis looks like, to full on grabs of my junk (their short stature allows easy access), to fingers being stuck up my ass (again, easy access). No person should have to work in those kinds conditions. That’s why I am coming out publicly and asking other men and woman who get sexually abused by children, wherever they may be, to speak out. Let’s tell these children that it is not okay to abuse us. We have the power. We are not alone.

-Maxim

Sleepy Saturdays: Before and After


Oh, young Arnold. You sexy beast. Who could of known that you would become this blob of grossness in a speedo. Fuck it, I take it back. I’d do ’em both. LOVE YOU ARNIE!!!! ❤


A boxer before and after a fight. Before he’s so confident and sharp. And a lil’ angry lookin’. After he’s tilting his head like a sad puppy about to say “Ma-ma?”

Crystal meth addict. Before: Aww, I’m so sad…. I got arrested! Wah, wah, wah. After: YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! I’M GONNA CUT OFF YOUR HEAD AND SHIT DOWN YOU’RE THROAT RARAARAGA ARAGRAGRAGR AGRAGRAGRAGRARGARGRAGRARGARGAGRAGR!

On Pee

Everybody pees.Pee Rants

Pee controls my life, and it probably controls yours. Pee can ruin a day. Pee can get on your clothes. Pee can enter your mouth. Pee can control minds. This isn’t bullshit. Our bladders are incredibly schixofrenic. Sometimes you feel like you just don’t have to pee at all all day, and it’s awesome. But sometimes your sitting in a really important meeting, or watching a movie, or doing anything that you want to do and you have to pee every 2 seconds. What is it about pee? Why is it sometimes I can be sitting down and just completely ignore my pee for hours, and other times, like right before I’m about to bang my GF, I get all conscious about my pee and it ruins everything. WHAT IS IT ABOUT PEE? Why hasn’t there been any technological advances with this crap (pee)? Sure we have fancy toilets and the like, but why do I have to get up and go to the bathroom anyway. We have portable music, portable computers, portable drinks (that cause me to pee), but when I got to do the most basic biological function, I got to run around drunk asking store managers at 3 in the morning to use their bathroom, and when they all reject me, having to just do it in the street like a savage. LIKE A SAVAGE! We need new technology. We need the iPee.

Pee Chances

Pee can change your life as well. How many times has pee changed the course of your day? Whether it’s waiting for someone to pee, or journeying around for that special place where you can let it go. You could have a chance encounter with someone special!  You could find the love of your life because of your urge to pee. It’s totally possible. What else in the world is so regular, yet so profound.

Pee Conclusions

Everyone pees. Men pee, women pee, the President pees, Kim Jung Il pees. We are all connected in the fact that we pee. It can be annoying, but we can all be profoundly changed by its strange power.

How does pee affect your life?

Notes

Ladies rejoice! There is actually a “portible urination device” on the market for you guys! It’s called the “Shewee”. Yes, the SheWee. Holy jesus.

Find it at http://www.shewee.com/newstore/