Okay, Okay, I’m Fat…Thanks Guys

Sam is fat.I live in Japan. In Japan it is socially acceptable to tell you straight up if you have gotten fat. The conversation would go something like this:

“Hey, dude. Long time no see!”
“Yeah, for real! Hey, you got so fat!”

No precursor, no buildup, nothing. People will just tell you because it is a completely normal thing to say after they haven’t seen you for a while. So I’ve gotten used to it. I’m not really on the receiving end of it too much, but I occasionally get it from my girlfriend, who just loves to look at the rolls my stomach makes when I’m bend over, and then she rubs them.


I don’t think I have to tell you that this is NOT acceptable behavior in the U.S., or for that matter, most of the English speaking world. You don’t walk up to your friend who gained 5 pounds over the summer to tell them that you can see their love handles now. You don’t even go up to your super fat friend who used to be skinny and tell them they’ve gotten blimp sized and they should chill the fuck out with the food. Hell, People sue their doctors for telling them that they are fat and need to go on a diet or die from diabetes.

So when I went home for a couple of weeks for Christmas, being called a fat ass was the last thing I was expecting. Boy, was I wrong. I get home and one of the first things my mother says to me is, “Aww, you got a little belly don’t’cha!”. Oh, thanks mom. Something was amiss, usually they tell me how great I look. Whatever, I’ll take it, she is my mother after all. She gets some leeway since she loves me and just wants me to be healthy and all that junk. But then my sister says it. Fuck you. And then I meet up with a friend, he says it. Dude! Another friend, she says it. And then another, and another. THey all say it. What ever happened to not being a dick? You know, I was never too concerned with my weight, but going to a place with awesome social blocks placed against straight up calling people fat, and being bombarded with how big my belly got… you got to wonder… have I gotten fat? Am I a lard ball?

Ok, I do have to admit I have gone through a one month period where my body fat was bursting out from under my clothes (I want to delete those photos so bad), but its not THAT bad. It’s just a belly! Even my Japanese friends haven’t said anything… and they love calling people fat! What’s up people?!

Besides all rational thought, however, I have decided to cut down on my eating habits. So basically, fuck you guys. I’m fucking fat now, happy?!

Yes, you are fat.

Have a great day,

19 thoughts on “Okay, Okay, I’m Fat…Thanks Guys

  1. A Slovak friend said the exact same thing to me recently. Put me off quite a bit.

    *shakes hand*
    “You’ve put on weight.”
    “Oh, have I?”

    Made me so self conscious, I’m now doing weights. Thanks Mr Havelkova…

  2. Maybe it’s something to do with hemispheres or some crap like that? You know, you’re in the USA and you’re ‘fat’, and then you take a plane to Japan and the space-time continuum makes you ‘skinny’. Totally what happened. Literally no other explanation. LITERALLY.

  3. I like to look at people that mention things like me gaining weight as an invitation to point out something about them that has changed. Some of my favorites are:

    1)You’ve lost a few IQ points over the past year or two.
    2) Wow, aging has not been all the friendly to you.
    3)I think your nose and your ears are taking growth hormones.
    4)Your breath has gone from wet dragon fart to rotten dead toad frying in a broken down car in the middle of the desert after it drowned in skunk juice and rotten tomatoes. Do you actually know about dentistry?

      • This looked so bizarre in my comment box, I had to revisit! INDEED, what’s kpchicken!!

        But it’s the commenter just above me. It goes, “kpchicken on February 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm said: I like to look at people that mention…” Name of one of your commenters!


  4. Funny! Love your delivery, especially the conversation at the beginning. Very interesting, the social difference. And then your mum! 🙂

  5. You are a fatty trapped in a kinda fat flabby body. Don’t worry – you’ll grow into it. I give it 1 year before you are full blown gross balding fat guy.

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