There is something on the loose in St. Louis. Something terrible, something monstrous. The people of the city are blissfully ignorant of what lives among them. I’ve told the story I am about to tell you to many of my friends, and none of them believe me, but I know what I saw. It is real, I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes. And I remember it vividly to this day.

When I was in middle school, my mom and I would often drive down to St. Louis to visit my grandma. I loved going because it was an incredibly long drive (about 1000 miles), and the time we spent in St. Louis got me out of school for weeks at a time. The way I remember it, St. Louis was a nice town. It had the gateway arch. The St. Louis Cardinals at famous Busch Stadium. It introduced me to American shopping malls as big as whole cities. It had this awesomely delicious chain called Steak and Shake, and this awesome frozen custard place called Ted Drewes. It had frickin’ IHOP (We don’t have those in NY)! They also got tornadoes. I love tornadoes! One day there was a tornado watch and it was so exciting, oh my god! St. Louis basically had everything I could ever want.

Except this…

One day we were in the car riding down a normal residential street on a beautiful day. All the houses had nice front yards with nicely trimmed grass, trees everywhere. The quintessential American street. I was in the back of the car looking out the window; that’s when I saw it. There was a group of three or four people standing on a lawn. They were gathered around something. At first I couldn’t make out what it was… the shape too unnatural to be real. Maybe I was seeing something that wasn’t there. I rubbed my eyes in hopes that it would go away, but no, it was real. It was a person, if you could call it that. More beast than man really. So, what was so monstrous about this thing? Well, it was a guy showing off his massive two foot long erect penis.

This thing was gargantuan. I cannot stress this enough. How a person could survive with such a large penis plagues me to this day. There is was no doubt in my mind that it was a penis. I have to admit, I was in a moving vehicle, and this guy was about 20 feet away from me. Many of my friends say it could have been anything, a broom, or a bottle. But that can’t be true. Now although I was only eleven or twelve, I knew what an erect penis looked like, probably more than the average eleven or twelve year old. It wasn’t just straight like a stick, it was curved slightly upwards, like a dick! Totally different. And this guy wasn’t just standing still with his penis. He was showing it off in super pose style, with his hands moving around it in a way that seemed to be giving it power.

As soon as I saw it, it was gone. We drove away. I never told my mom. She was in the car but I didn’t tell her. What was I supposed to say? “Hey Mom, there’s a monster penis over there!” Totally unnecessary. Well, she knows now anyway.

So what do you think? Real, or did I see something that wasn’t there? All I know is it’s something I will never forget.

This is fake, but it was kind of like this.

Good day, and good penis.

-Maxim